3. The Birth of Herman

Herman Philips let go of his seat belt and gazed down the window of his aircraft. A sudden frenzy of people queuing at the gates and jumping one after the other made him nervous. The announcements called out people like a peak hour metro. Everyone had got up from their seats and started preparing for the long journey ahead. To his side, he saw a familiar face in Nathan Rico with a similar astonishment written all over. He leaned over and quickly consoled the familiarity. The conversation that ensued between them next will give us answers as to why babies are born crying or peeing in your arms.

Herman: Hey Nathan, Remember me? It’s me Herman; your toy store guy from 7^th block free street?

Nathan: ……………

Herman: Buddy, Think hard. Arnold vs. Lee death match! I allowed you to break Arnold’s arm in return for Lee & Stallone Tag team match.  

Nathan: But I still lost the match!

H: there you go. You pay my money RIGHT NOW! You lost the bet and ran away with my toys. I forgot to tell you, I’m the manager for all my toys.

N: You cheated me! You burnt my toys.

H: All is fair in War and Herman store. Let me tell you what’s happening here. I think there is an emergency in the aircraft and people are queuing up to jump and be rescued.

N: But they haven’t called my name yet!

H: Maybe they are struggling to keep the aircraft flying, so faking an emergency to get rid of excess people.

N: May be we should ask someone. I’m not so sure that’s the plan.

H: I’m sure because mine is an expensive ticket and I bought it a couple of months back. The fat lady next to me redeemed her miles and bought the ticket for few pennies. Guess they are not so happy about her penny to pound ratio. I doubt her parachute will even open too.

N: What about the Air hostess dressed like Angels? Will they be jumping too?

H: I don’t think. One more reason we should stay back here and pretend to fall asleep. 

N: Herman, I think we too should stay prepared. May be it is an actual emergency.

H: Yawn. I’m looking at the angels.

N: Did you read the form which was given to you when you woke up in the flight?

H: I used it to wipe all the drooling over my face while I slept.

N: You should read it. It’s interesting. Seems like a survey for a Miles Program. I already have 3, so I dropped reading it halfway through.

H: Show me that piece of paper, the one rolled in your ear!

Pulls out the questionnaire, Wipes his ear wax in his pants and hands over the paper to Herman while gently smiling at him.

H: What the fuck is this? Why does it say Stork Airlines Launch Program with your name and Sex mentioned?

N: Read below Carefully. It says you fill this up thoughtfully and you get what you want when we land down. It also has my name barcoded at the top. You can’t use it.

Herman bends down and starts searching for his piece of paper. He had used it to wipe his drool and threw it 3 rows ahead on the girl wearing pink sweaters. Unfortunately it landed in the right place and he could never ask back after hearing her abuse. He stands up and pleads for it only to be hit by a water bottle.

H: Nathan, I think this is not a miles program. This is even funnier. They are asking my foot size!

N: What do you mean? What is written in it? I hate companies that use font size 8 or less. What kind of customers will buy their brands!

H: Look close and read carefully. It’s asking what you want to become in life. What kind of an airline program will ask such stupid questions?

N: what else?

H: It’s asking you to mention 2 continents which do not start with A where you can go backpacking.

N: Show me the paper! This is interesting. We need to solve the puzzles. We can win free miles at the end.

H: Buddy, this is getting interesting! We are in a section called Sins. There are several options here. We can assign points to one or many sins up to 100. Murder is 50 points man! You can try one.

N: I’m looking at the softer options like 1+1 Pizzas with extra cheese & fat chocolate muffins. 65 points didn't know it’s worth when I threw them down the sewer last week.

H: It also asks for your type of childhood. Creche with Witch, Bungalow with Nanny and streets. A Street takes only a few points though.

N: Go on!

H: Schooling has options Bully, Nerd, Drug Abuse or softball player.

N: Nerd for me!

H: Softball player for me. Skin color options Roasted, deep fry, Raw uncooked and salad!?

N: Roast for me. Does it ask anything about girlfriend?

H: There is a separate section. Loving, Caring and Unlimited message pack is the only option. Take it or leave it.

N: Please choose skin color, long legs, bountiful and a hate for shopping.

H: they have the first three; the last one cannot be changed. Pro Shopper!

N: who makes these  questions again! Can’t they offer better options?

H: Let’s move on. Section Three: Blood. Options: Brother, Sister, Weirdo, Chemical compounds!

N: Chemical Compounds. Worth the weekends staying at home and saving money.

H: What about Sports? Choose one, Imaginary, Grass, Sofa or WWE?

N: WWE. Funny questions! Flip quickly. I can hear our names being called now to submit the departure forms.

H: Section Three: Life is a full circle. What do you want to become? Options are Free, Nothing and Banker. The last one accumulates sinner points for every one year.

N: Free Sounds good to me. I think a few options like Professional sports player and Hollywood actor are missing!

H: Hey, seems you need to choose free if you want to become any of those.

H: Would you like to have surprises? Please tick a number and then see back for answers.

Herman tries to lift the paper and look at the answers. The page looks completely blank. He asks N to choose a number.

N: Please write “One!” for me.

H asks N to look beneath the paper and read out the answer. N sees few words written in font size 4,” Puppy Love in the Bush”. He smiles silently so H won’t ask about it. He then reads aloud a fake answer,” Picking up a stranger on Nude beach without getting spiked and credit Card stolen”

H: Yes. Next section on misfortunes, Option is random numbers.  Answers will not be revealed here.

N: Okay. Tick any.

H: I’m ticking a few numbers here.

N: ( Quickly grabs the paper )You Cheat! Give me my paper. Your ticks won’t count on my paper.

H: Move on. Read quickly. Is there any option for Bank Balance and Yacht?

N: Invalid questions in surprise section. It does ask about the size of your Majesty though. The questions are in multi variable equations. Can’t derive any of it but.

(A small disclaimer below states that this question has an auto generated answer)

H: Move on to Addictions. I was waiting for this one.

N: Smoking, Drugs, Library, Shoes, Lingerie, neighbor’s daughter, Hugh Heffner, Socks, Spiderman, PS2 ….Exhaustive list. We can tick as many we want. In case of non-availability, they’ll arrange to share with your neighbor.

H: What more do we have to choose? I guess we have exhausted our list. Quickly fill up and let’s redeem some points.

Meanwhile a ball of rolled paper hits Herman on his head. He looks up to see the last few remaining people filling their forms with their heads down. He picks the paper and unwraps it. It was his questionnaire. He borrows pen from one of the angels and starts to fill the questionnaire.

H: I got mine too. Somebody has already scribbled in it.  #$%^&*

N: Don’t forget to mention your frequent flyer program number and choice of meals.

H: I won’t. There is no column, but I chose to write it next to my name and sex.

N: Are we done?

H: There are few more sections on Banking, Politics, Astrology, Internet Movie Star etc. I don’t think we have time for all those!

N: I went through the physics sections and solved a few.

H: Artist and Theatrics, topped with Astrology and a layer of Sexual computing.

N: Good for you. Let’s handover and get ready to Jump. It says we’ll get the redemption coupons when we land.

H: You really believe this!

Nathan hands over the form to one of the angels and gets ready to jump off the plane. Herman chooses not to be left behind. He too gets ready and asks for mineral water to soothe his calm his senses. Never has he filled a questionnaire so fast in his life. Winning the airlines survey program and making a world trip was always his dream. He makes gestures to the Angel Hostess who gives him the bottle but in vain. Both of them crouch to the exit gate before looking down.  Herman looks at Nathan and points him to jump first. Nathan obliges. Before starting his own journey, he turns back and asks one of the Angels to have a re-look at his questionnaire. He tells them that he hasn't ticked the terms and conditions box and he might have tricked them in the program. One of the Gatekeeper Angel gets angry and Kicks him in the pit. A few minutes later, Nathan was born Smiling and Herman was born crying whilst holding his own in the adjacent bed of a hospital.