3. The Birth of Herman

Herman Philips let go of his seat belt and gazed down the window of his aircraft. A sudden frenzy of people queuing at the gates and jumping one after the other made him nervous. The announcements called out people like a peak hour metro. Everyone had got up from their seats and started preparing for the long journey ahead. To his side, he saw a familiar face in Nathan Rico with a similar astonishment written all over. He leaned over and quickly consoled the familiarity. The conversation that ensued between them next will give us answers as to why babies are born crying or peeing in your arms.

Herman: Hey Nathan, Remember me? It’s me Herman; your toy store guy from 7^th block free street?

Nathan: ……………

Herman: Buddy, Think hard. Arnold vs. Lee death match! I allowed you to break Arnold’s arm in return for Lee & Stallone Tag team match.  

Nathan: But I still lost the match!

H: there you go. You pay my money RIGHT NOW! You lost the bet and ran away with my toys. I forgot to tell you, I’m the manager for all my toys.

N: You cheated me! You burnt my toys.

H: All is fair in War and Herman store. Let me tell you what’s happening here. I think there is an emergency in the aircraft and people are queuing up to jump and be rescued.

N: But they haven’t called my name yet!

H: Maybe they are struggling to keep the aircraft flying, so faking an emergency to get rid of excess people.

N: May be we should ask someone. I’m not so sure that’s the plan.

H: I’m sure because mine is an expensive ticket and I bought it a couple of months back. The fat lady next to me redeemed her miles and bought the ticket for few pennies. Guess they are not so happy about her penny to pound ratio. I doubt her parachute will even open too.

N: What about the Air hostess dressed like Angels? Will they be jumping too?

H: I don’t think. One more reason we should stay back here and pretend to fall asleep. 

N: Herman, I think we too should stay prepared. May be it is an actual emergency.

H: Yawn. I’m looking at the angels.

N: Did you read the form which was given to you when you woke up in the flight?

H: I used it to wipe all the drooling over my face while I slept.

N: You should read it. It’s interesting. Seems like a survey for a Miles Program. I already have 3, so I dropped reading it halfway through.

H: Show me that piece of paper, the one rolled in your ear!

Pulls out the questionnaire, Wipes his ear wax in his pants and hands over the paper to Herman while gently smiling at him.

H: What the fuck is this? Why does it say Stork Airlines Launch Program with your name and Sex mentioned?

N: Read below Carefully. It says you fill this up thoughtfully and you get what you want when we land down. It also has my name barcoded at the top. You can’t use it.

Herman bends down and starts searching for his piece of paper. He had used it to wipe his drool and threw it 3 rows ahead on the girl wearing pink sweaters. Unfortunately it landed in the right place and he could never ask back after hearing her abuse. He stands up and pleads for it only to be hit by a water bottle.

H: Nathan, I think this is not a miles program. This is even funnier. They are asking my foot size!

N: What do you mean? What is written in it? I hate companies that use font size 8 or less. What kind of customers will buy their brands!

H: Look close and read carefully. It’s asking what you want to become in life. What kind of an airline program will ask such stupid questions?

N: what else?

H: It’s asking you to mention 2 continents which do not start with A where you can go backpacking.

N: Show me the paper! This is interesting. We need to solve the puzzles. We can win free miles at the end.

H: Buddy, this is getting interesting! We are in a section called Sins. There are several options here. We can assign points to one or many sins up to 100. Murder is 50 points man! You can try one.

N: I’m looking at the softer options like 1+1 Pizzas with extra cheese & fat chocolate muffins. 65 points didn't know it’s worth when I threw them down the sewer last week.

H: It also asks for your type of childhood. Creche with Witch, Bungalow with Nanny and streets. A Street takes only a few points though.

N: Go on!

H: Schooling has options Bully, Nerd, Drug Abuse or softball player.

N: Nerd for me!

H: Softball player for me. Skin color options Roasted, deep fry, Raw uncooked and salad!?

N: Roast for me. Does it ask anything about girlfriend?

H: There is a separate section. Loving, Caring and Unlimited message pack is the only option. Take it or leave it.

N: Please choose skin color, long legs, bountiful and a hate for shopping.

H: they have the first three; the last one cannot be changed. Pro Shopper!

N: who makes these  questions again! Can’t they offer better options?

H: Let’s move on. Section Three: Blood. Options: Brother, Sister, Weirdo, Chemical compounds!

N: Chemical Compounds. Worth the weekends staying at home and saving money.

H: What about Sports? Choose one, Imaginary, Grass, Sofa or WWE?

N: WWE. Funny questions! Flip quickly. I can hear our names being called now to submit the departure forms.

H: Section Three: Life is a full circle. What do you want to become? Options are Free, Nothing and Banker. The last one accumulates sinner points for every one year.

N: Free Sounds good to me. I think a few options like Professional sports player and Hollywood actor are missing!

H: Hey, seems you need to choose free if you want to become any of those.

H: Would you like to have surprises? Please tick a number and then see back for answers.

Herman tries to lift the paper and look at the answers. The page looks completely blank. He asks N to choose a number.

N: Please write “One!” for me.

H asks N to look beneath the paper and read out the answer. N sees few words written in font size 4,” Puppy Love in the Bush”. He smiles silently so H won’t ask about it. He then reads aloud a fake answer,” Picking up a stranger on Nude beach without getting spiked and credit Card stolen”

H: Yes. Next section on misfortunes, Option is random numbers.  Answers will not be revealed here.

N: Okay. Tick any.

H: I’m ticking a few numbers here.

N: ( Quickly grabs the paper )You Cheat! Give me my paper. Your ticks won’t count on my paper.

H: Move on. Read quickly. Is there any option for Bank Balance and Yacht?

N: Invalid questions in surprise section. It does ask about the size of your Majesty though. The questions are in multi variable equations. Can’t derive any of it but.

(A small disclaimer below states that this question has an auto generated answer)

H: Move on to Addictions. I was waiting for this one.

N: Smoking, Drugs, Library, Shoes, Lingerie, neighbor’s daughter, Hugh Heffner, Socks, Spiderman, PS2 ….Exhaustive list. We can tick as many we want. In case of non-availability, they’ll arrange to share with your neighbor.

H: What more do we have to choose? I guess we have exhausted our list. Quickly fill up and let’s redeem some points.

Meanwhile a ball of rolled paper hits Herman on his head. He looks up to see the last few remaining people filling their forms with their heads down. He picks the paper and unwraps it. It was his questionnaire. He borrows pen from one of the angels and starts to fill the questionnaire.

H: I got mine too. Somebody has already scribbled in it.  #$%^&*

N: Don’t forget to mention your frequent flyer program number and choice of meals.

H: I won’t. There is no column, but I chose to write it next to my name and sex.

N: Are we done?

H: There are few more sections on Banking, Politics, Astrology, Internet Movie Star etc. I don’t think we have time for all those!

N: I went through the physics sections and solved a few.

H: Artist and Theatrics, topped with Astrology and a layer of Sexual computing.

N: Good for you. Let’s handover and get ready to Jump. It says we’ll get the redemption coupons when we land.

H: You really believe this!

Nathan hands over the form to one of the angels and gets ready to jump off the plane. Herman chooses not to be left behind. He too gets ready and asks for mineral water to soothe his calm his senses. Never has he filled a questionnaire so fast in his life. Winning the airlines survey program and making a world trip was always his dream. He makes gestures to the Angel Hostess who gives him the bottle but in vain. Both of them crouch to the exit gate before looking down.  Herman looks at Nathan and points him to jump first. Nathan obliges. Before starting his own journey, he turns back and asks one of the Angels to have a re-look at his questionnaire. He tells them that he hasn't ticked the terms and conditions box and he might have tricked them in the program. One of the Gatekeeper Angel gets angry and Kicks him in the pit. A few minutes later, Nathan was born Smiling and Herman was born crying whilst holding his own in the adjacent bed of a hospital.

2. Romano and Liver

A drunk Romano is a show stopper especially at the party celebrating her act in the midair music video. Alan, Mark, Herman and Romano stood along with the producers inviting guests in the milestone party for topping the charts worldwide along with offers for magazine and TV interview offers for the cast and crew. The guests congratulated the casting duo and praised Romano for her nerves in holding a never before done scene like this.  Romano slipped her drinks one by one with ease before walking up the stage to address the audience. She had the aura of mystery to command a stage and is known for her fearless reputation to enact scenes which others would sweat about. Romano got on stage to thank the audience for their support and vowed to perform even better and enthrall her fans. She blew kisses to Herman who cheekily slipped behind the standing audience unable to handle all the attention of the Russian lass. She called him onstage and kissed him like a man. Later that evening, Romano came home and what ensued was an interesting conversation.

Romano lying in the bed with her secret night gown and suddenly woken up by a voice that sounded like hers;

Romano’s Liver: Hello Romano, how are you feeling? It’s me, your liver talking.

Romano: Are you serious? I finished 2 bottles of water before going to bed.

Liver: that’s fine Romano. I thought its time I spoke to you.

Romano: Am I in Herman’s bed still?

Liver: No, You aren't’. What you are hearing is for real!

Romano: this must be a joke. Somebody must have spiked my drinks!

Liver: that’s third on my list of agendas to discuss with you today. You don’t have any clue of what fuck you are drinking! Last week you came home after drinking a bottle of cough syrup.

Romano: Oh! But I have been trying to smoke alcohol. I knew this was coming.

Liver: You would do anything to get drunk! Now listen to me

Romano: Fine. Go on.

Liver: Never drink with bad company, last week we did our best to save you. The man standing next to you was spiking your drink over and over again.

Romano: Who? Alan?!

Liver: No. not him. The soft spoken fellow from the theater group.

R: Dennis Woodfred? He is such a sweet heart. I melt every time I look into his eyes. But what was he up to?

L: He went on re-filling your drink. Getting one after the other and watching you guzzle like a desert SUV! And you went on gazing at his eyes and taking his bait to go to bed with him. I could feel that, you were gulping down $500 glass shooters like your dad raised you in hell!

R: Oh is it? But did I end up in his bed?

L: No you didn't! Luckily Alan came in the way and shot down two glasses before falling flat on his face. Poor Herman wanted to impress you and he too didn't stand a chance after one shot.

R: What was I drinking then? How come nothing happened to me?

L: Lady Luck, All your spiked shots were taken down by those humble men. Poor Alan had to be admitted to hospital and Herman went home straight only to wake up for his weekend prayers 4 days later.

R: That’s fine Liv. By now, you would know I make my own luck. Two men who put their throat in line for me.

L: that’s not it all. You left the party and went straight to Herman’s bed. We were surprised you had the thing for him but never could see the butterflies in your tummy.

R: Yes, I Remember. That was by mistake. I thought that was Dennis’s place.

L: Yes my lady. You went to Herman’s Bed with Dennis and woke up in an Old pick up inside Alan’s garage!

R: Wait a minute! Did I go to bed with Dennis Drunk? Is that what you mean?

L: Off Course Yes. You did. But Luckily Dennis drove Herman along with him and Alan followed your car. Herman came inside, got you upstairs to his bed and made you comfortable before he did the same to Dennis in another room. We could hear him scream something about removing his underpants though.

R: Hilarious! So did Herman undress me too? I thought I had a good sleep.

L: Poor chap has trembling hands. He couldn't come close to managing a drunkard like you. He did help you with your feet and gave you some water. I don’t remember anything after that.

R: What was Alan doing at this place?

L: he wanted to see what was going on between the three of you. Last thing I remember, we could hear a man cry in agony after failing to jump over the wall.

R: So much for getting drunk. I wish I was in my senses to laugh at these.

L: You did my lady. You did dream about someone and woke up in the middle with hiccups. You grabbed a bottle of cough syrup and emptied it before falling on the bed again. You must know by now why does you liver talk!

R: I’m sorry. I have been a little reckless. But how did I end up in Alan’s garage?

L: let me tell you, you woke up early in the morning and took the car keys of Herman. You saw Alan at the gates lying down. You helped him to get in the car and in the course of dropping him at his home, you drove the car straight inside his garage and passed out once again.

R: I have been stressing out myself a lot. Maybe it’s time I take a break from alcohol and socializing evenings!

L: the last time you said this, you were invited to the engagement party of musical chef Thomas. Thomas pulled the plug on his marriage the next day and you came back home with his diamond engagement ring.

R: I know, I remember. Extremes don’t work for me. I must be careful.

L: the paper boy saw you lying near the pool yesterday. He called the cops and they responded by putting you back in bed!

R: I don’t remember why I went to the swimming pool in the first place.

L: You were searching for water to drink and you found in outside in the pool! Sometimes we wonder is there any way where you are going to get killed by your actions. Seems like you have never ending  streak of good luck.

R: Yes. (Smiling). I shouldn't be riding all of it at once.

L: I’m tired of your behavior. High time I decided to speak up and let you know your life no longer depended on only your actions. I’m equally responsible to pull the plug on it.

R: I think it’s time for you to go to bed!

Romano gulps down a bottle of water from the table. She keeps aside the snorting device and begins to roll in her bed before crashing to sleep. When she wakes up next morning, she will look underneath her bed for her talking liver again!

1. Introduction to Floating Bed

Peptown is a buzzing metropolis in the southern state of Grim known for its contribution to the cine world. Aspiring artists flock to this city and struggle it out until they decide to quit but not before ending up in one of those b-grade movies. Alan handsome was waiting to see Mark Tufro, a man in mid-twenties, regarding a never before tried attempt in making a midair music video album. Alan was a popular figure in the city and known for his exploits in taking the entertainment industry to new heights. Last year they made a music album for Ricky Kikaas, a gigolo turned singer, which stormed the charts across continents and transformed Ricky from an under performer to a leading vocalist overnight. This time Alan was asked to do a similar job, knowing his task was cut out; he decided to call in Mark for the drudgery.

Mark worked as a Creative consultant in the industry and a part time story writer for plays, though he makes his fortune from the sextrology website setup during his school days for struggling clients and NSA women.  Mark preferred to call himself as a professional artist and lived a suave lifestyle to make believe people of his creative achievements. He was also known as the "Reel Doctor" for his ability to make third grade rotten stuff sell like hot cakes. Apart from spending time on worthless projects, he spent a substantial amount of money to re-furbishing his garage in his 10 acre home. He had a penchant for high class tails and depending upon his latest work, he showed up at the parties with a new arm candy every week. Mark and Alan got acquainted when they flew north together in the same flight to Ponyland. Ponyland was notorious for its streets glittered with scantily clad women and pimps who looked like Aliens with pot belly. Alan and Mark choose the same Asian girl and thus began their friendship. They spent the entire night feeding her ego to bring her to Peptown and launched her as the next big thing for Restroom screen advertising. This time around the task was even tougher and the duo were entrusted with filming a full 4 minute video of a couple breaking up and having make up sex ,all midair!

The cast and crew were left entirely for Alan to choose and he suggested if Mark knew any couple who could prolong it as it would very breezy and cameramen would need multiple shots. Mark suggested they bring in Romano, the short fiery pale Russian girl with an hour glass figure in her mid-twenties. Petite in stature, Mark had an affair with her that lasted for 5 minutes in the coffee shop and another 3 minutes in the parking lot. Mark was still in good terms with her and helped her greatly through NSA compatibility advice on relationships. Romano repaid her faith by appearing for Mark whenever he called for and the duo shared a good working platform despite their tragic past. Alan called for Herman Philips, a 19 year old college goer who had come to him earlier asking for support to publish his videos. Herman free-lanced as a professional cameraman for rave parties and his camera angles had the stamp of his work. When Alan refused to take up Herman‘s work for publishing, Herman confessed to possess another skill which might interest Alan. Herman could elevate himself and stay up until dawn. He attributed photography as his second nature and people wanted him at the parties not for his camera angles but for his gifts.

Herman and Romano were summoned the very next day at Mark’s home and Alan partook to explain the demands of the video. Herman initially refused as it was against his values to make money from his gifts. He confided to have promised his mother on his father’s death bed to never venture into such form of money making. When Romano entered and introduced herself to Alan and Herman, Herman obliged that he would do it for Alan this time as a return of favor and never would like to repeat this again. When Romano shook hands with him and battered her eyelids, he thought about the entire oath he had taken mistakenly. Few souls have escaped Romano’s eyes when she battered. Alan looked at Mark and winked at him about Romano’s convincing act. Mark acknowledged hesitantly, he knew what was waiting for poor Herman.     

        

Next Day the cast reached the flying camp to take an aerial survey. The beds were loaded on the flight and the scene was narrated. In the video, Herman would slap the stewardess in her derriere for his favorite meal, the tossed grub cheese salad. Romano would receive a cold wrap and agitated by the change in fortunes, she would rampage the cabin and strip herself before running up and down the aisle twice and  smashing her head on the trolley. Herman would administer CPR and rescue Romano before the sequence continues to midair when they resort to jump from the aircraft and on to a floating bed. The crew applauded on hearing the story. Mark thanked Alan for the plot and set about to decorate the bed which would float in air. Later that evening, Herman was nervous about the entire thing of doing it in air. What if the bed collided with another plane, what if they had to shoo away birds during the act or what if the pumps failed to keep the bed floating?  What if his gifts didn't work out with Romano with whom he had already fallen in love? He rang up Mark and confided in him all his anxiety about doing it with Romano in front of camera midair. Mark suggested he call Romano home and rehearse the final act on a shaky two legged bed which he will arrange to be sent now. Herman felt himself consoled on this advice and quickly rang up Romano. Romano didn't agree first but later had her own doubts about the guy’s gifts and decided to see for herself the majesty of Herman. She agreed but had to be picked up and dropped back at home no matter how late as her neighbors had a not so good opinion about her. She was at Billy’s Pub downing one after another before Herman showed up as a handsome boy on a date. Quickly they left the place and reached Herman’s house which was a shared apartment with two other handsome guys. Herman took Romano to his room and got down to work immediately. Later he called Mark that night and thanked him for his advice. He said all went well and his gifts were as good as ever even during this conversation with Mark. He felt happy about his conquest and her praise for him.                         

The day was Independence Day and the team showed up for the final sequence. Herman showed up two hours ahead of schedule and Romano was an hour late to the takeoff time. Herman meanwhile prepared himself to sweep Romano off her feet with his premier act. Romano forgot her pills for hangover amidst the delay and smelt of alcohol all over. Soon, they were midair and the video proceeded to be shot. Herman lays his hands on the stewardess to thank her for the grub sandwich and Romano goes crazy about her cold wrap and loses her rage inside the aircraft. She breaks up with Herman before stripping, running, and crashing down the aisle. Herman resuscitates her before they both flung out of the aircraft on to a floating bed with pumps. Herman prepares his scene and proceeds to speak his heart out as per the act. Romano accepts to have misunderstood him and pledges not to strip in the aircraft next time. Herman passionately kisses her before joining the act. Four minutes into the video with the bed fast approaching land, Herman picks up courage to confess his love for her. He turned Romano’s head to kiss her; a bemused Romano kicked him out of the bed. Herman’s censored photo appeared in the papers the next day as the trooper who hoisted the flag midair.